Gestalt
Member
Posts: 6
Pronouns: they/them or [ask fronter]
System Name: Gestalt
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Post by Gestalt on Jan 20, 2023 4:30:36 GMT
Hello everyone!
I see there might be others on here who are romantically involved with (or otherwise committed to) members of their own system! My in-system partner and I have been together on and off for around ten years. Over time, we went through a series of ups and downs, both related to the difficulties inherent in a relationship like this, and due to situations that were outside of our control. But, after some deep conversations, we took the plunge and fully recommitted to each other back in 2021. We've been stable and steady ever since.
So tell me about your in-system relationships! How do you feel about them? Do you treat them with the same weight as outer-system relationships, or do they tend to be more casual? Are any of your headmates/(insert preferred term here) in a relationship with each other? How do you cope with the unique challenges of a committed relationship between two people sharing a body?
No need to go through and answer all these questions, though I suppose you can if you want to! They're more of a guideline to get the conversation rolling.
Bonus question: are you doing anything for Valentine's Day? (We certainly haven't made plans yet!)
- Fray
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Post by Liza & Romterro on Jan 20, 2023 16:41:00 GMT
Yes, I've been with my partner for almost three years now. I wasn't a host when it started, so. I don't have a reference for outer-system relationships yet. That would be more unusual for me...I'm used to the two of us always being together. We have to find ways for us to have time apart, because otherwise...that might be too close. That's a benefit and a drawback, I think. More of a drawback in a system that bleeds together more, compared to ours. It's more intimate than a outer-system relationship can be but sometimes you wish you could be two different people. But it works for us.
I...blanked on how late in the month it is. We haven't made Valentines plans yet 'cause we didn't know it was plan making time yet. :p
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Gestalt
Member
Posts: 6
Pronouns: they/them or [ask fronter]
System Name: Gestalt
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Post by Gestalt on Jan 20, 2023 19:48:47 GMT
Congrats on almost three years! That's a big milestone. Yeah, I absolutely agree with everything you said. We sometimes struggle with making sure we get enough time to ourselves, and we do drive each other crazy sometimes because our ability to do that is limited. But the intimacy more than makes up for it. I personally don't think I could trust anyone outside of the system as much as I trust him. I've tried a handful of times, but something just doesn't click. Same here! I pretty much only added that because my partner was like, "Why are there so many heart-shaped things at the store right now--OH..." So needless to say, I don't think we're doing anything this year T_T
-Fray
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Post by Liza & Romterro on Jan 21, 2023 1:29:25 GMT
Thank you. 💖 We've found ways to have time to ourselves, but it is difficult...on the other hand, it's amazing to be this close. I want to experience relationships outside the system, but I don't even know what the separation would be like...or how to navigate that, if it involves both of us and someone outside our system.
Heh, we've been eating a bag of heart-shaped chocolate and had no idea. Maybe we'll throw something together.
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Efflorescence
Member
Posts: 12
Pronouns: they/them, ve/ver
System Name: Efflorescence(Lore)
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Post by Efflorescence on Jan 21, 2023 4:04:42 GMT
Many of us are in various relationships with eachother. We're collectively aroace (not everyone is strictly that, but most of of feelings run more alongside that than romantic experiences) so partnerships vary in appearance. Our Bijou is the only one truly romantic out of all of us, and she's got about three in-sys partnerships.
Bijou- I would say the most difficult thing for us is when a partner doesn't front for a while. Usually I can still say hi and good morning, but once we get started on our day they fade back into the headspace and can't chat no matter how much I miss them :<. To me, my partners are as important as an external relationship; my boyfriend Yannick has even started planning on getting us a proposal ring (pro: same ring size, con: it can't be a surprise).
Relatedly, we don't really think about valentines much. Since it's difficult to know who is gonna front when, planning is impossible. I'm sure whoever will front on the day will find something special to do, since most of our frequent fronters do have some form of in-sys relationship. ^^
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Gestalt
Member
Posts: 6
Pronouns: they/them or [ask fronter]
System Name: Gestalt
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Post by Gestalt on Jan 22, 2023 5:22:27 GMT
Thank you. 💖 We've found ways to have time to ourselves, but it is difficult...on the other hand, it's amazing to be this close. I want to experience relationships outside the system, but I don't even know what the separation would be like...or how to navigate that, if it involves both of us and someone outside our system. Heh, we've been eating a bag of heart-shaped chocolate and had no idea. Maybe we'll throw something together.
We only had the experience of dating outside of the system before we had our system (re)awakening and it was... always a bit disastrous, because not all of us felt the same feelings about our past partners. But I guess it would all come down to communication if one of us ever pursued that again.
Many of us are in various relationships with eachother. We're collectively aroace (not everyone is strictly that, but most of of feelings run more alongside that than romantic experiences) so partnerships vary in appearance. Our Bijou is the only one truly romantic out of all of us, and she's got about three in-sys partnerships. Bijou- I would say the most difficult thing for us is when a partner doesn't front for a while. Usually I can still say hi and good morning, but once we get started on our day they fade back into the headspace and can't chat no matter how much I miss them :<. To me, my partners are as important as an external relationship; my boyfriend Yannick has even started planning on getting us a proposal ring (pro: same ring size, con: it can't be a surprise). Relatedly, we don't really think about valentines much. Since it's difficult to know who is gonna front when, planning is impossible. I'm sure whoever will front on the day will find something special to do, since most of our frequent fronters do have some form of in-sys relationship. ^^ We are also collectively at various points on the aroace spectrum! My relationship with Kier is the closest thing to "romantic" that I can imagine, but the jury is still out on whether that's the best way to describe what we experience together.
Good luck with the ring, Bijou and Yannick! Since we also couldn't surprise each other, Kier and I had fun picking one out together that signifies our commitment. We're not engaged because we have complicated feelings on marriage in general, but we are committed and it's nice to have a ring is proof of that. Especially when we are going through tough times.
-Fray
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Post by Liza & Romterro on Jan 23, 2023 16:27:56 GMT
Thank you. 💖 We've found ways to have time to ourselves, but it is difficult...on the other hand, it's amazing to be this close. I want to experience relationships outside the system, but I don't even know what the separation would be like...or how to navigate that, if it involves both of us and someone outside our system. Heh, we've been eating a bag of heart-shaped chocolate and had no idea. Maybe we'll throw something together.
We only had the experience of dating outside of the system before we had our system (re)awakening and it was... always a bit disastrous, because not all of us felt the same feelings about our past partners. But I guess it would all come down to communication if one of us ever pursued that again. My partner dated outside the system before, but not in the time I've been a conscious part of the system. She didn't identify as a system at the time, either, though she did know her headmates. Communication is always what's most important, always have to keep that in mind while we explore outside the system more. It is difficult to find someone we both like...or who's comfortable with plurality and who likes both of us...we could look for someone on our own, but anything long-term should really involve both of us.
We don't have a collective orientation...some of us are ace, and some aren't. Ellen is ace but I'm bi.
We're pretty separate so we can almost surprise each other. It's easier in headspace, though...obviously. That's great, though! I'm happy for you and Yannick.
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skinstealer
Member
Posts: 14
Pronouns: plural they/them
System Name: Skinstealer System/Mortis Velasquez
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Post by skinstealer on Jan 24, 2023 21:19:59 GMT
our system has a complicated network of relationships w/ varying levels of romance, sexuality and commitment involved, but we just kind of refer to it as "the gay pile" and leave it at that unless specifics need to come up. some system members prefer to just keep to one partnership when it comes to internal stuff, but others have partnerships with many others. it's also common, but not an obligation by any means, to be involved with our external husband- but that's off topic, haha.
as for weight, they're handled with definitely as much weight as our relationship with our husband, but in a very...different way? they function so differently, when you can share emotions with someone directly and discuss your perspectives on said emotions, along with sharing a history...it's fundamentally different to us, and thus it's not really comparable in our situation specifically. they just don't function the same way, but they are equally important to us! that said, they do tend to come about way more spontaneously, and "love at first sight" situations have happened, as awkward as they can be to navigate.
a lot of our issues re: internal relationships have to do with sexuality, so i'm not gonna get into those- but it's a process learning to accomodate for everyone's needs and wants, and i personally know i need to get better at it. i love my partners but sometimes shame and fear sneak in and cloud my judgment, especially when it's stuff that i fear external judgment for.
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wildhounds
Member
Posts: 10
Pronouns: They/xe/it
System Name: Wilds
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Post by wildhounds on Jan 31, 2023 8:36:42 GMT
hmmm I often feel like a bit of an outlier because for the most part, my alters all feel like 'me' - we're parts of the same whole and most of us don't have enough of a degree of individuality to really have any kind of relationship with each other, or anyone, romantic or otherwise. I'm pretty sure Max feels differently on this than I do - his subsystem doesn't feel like 'parts of him' to him (I don't think he's thrilled with the idea that they have anything to do with him at all, honestly) and he's the most differentiated of all of us other than me, though.
that said, we have been sort of like... low-key considering the idea that Max and I might feel more towards each other than just like. protector/host. I love him a lot and I know he loves me + feels safe around me, which is a lot, and also I just kind of have Gay Fuzzy Feelings towards him that I really don't feel towards anyone ever. I think Max is also in some kind of dynamic with some of the adult Sugars (another subsystem) but it's not wholly clear to me what that is - I sort of had crushes on some of the Sugars for a little while LMAO which feels weird to say out loud! But it was a lot like the kind of 'crush' I'll develop on new people I meet who I really click with, so it passed pretty fast.
I wouldn't call anything I feel towards Max 'casual', nor do I think his relationship with the Sugars is 'casual' either... They might not be 'romantic' necessarily (or they might be - I honestly don't know) and I don't know if we could really call them 'committed' either because like. Part of the appeal is that like... we share a brain; things can change on a dime and we don't have to have labels or like, any kind of commitment to Staying As One Thing which is really nice. I wouldn't call them more or less important than my relationships with anyone outside of my system either; just different, and like... in some ways more profound in the sense that like. Again, we share a brain, and there's an understanding and history there that I'm just not gonna get elsewhere.
tbh I think one of the biggest challenges is that I don't have a headspace - I can't just hang out with Max and cuddle him in it, I have to really put a LOT of effort into like... imagining it, I guess, and trying to call him to be around/to share in that imagined scene with me so he'll remember it? I can't hold him when he's having a CPTSD moment and I can't like, give him the things I know he wants from a 'real' relationship either, so that's rough.
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